I’m going to a party on Saturday night and I’m wearing a short little black dress playsuit.  Right now my legs are lily white, hairy, scaly and covered in bruises, veins and insect bites.  I have some serious work to do.

The event is a cocktail party hosted by the fabulous Andrea from Fox in Flats.  A super sized girls night out that I’m taking Husbo along to.  He’s like a gay BFF when it comes to girls nights out – he lives for them.  Just don’t forget that he’s straight though, and unwittingly show him your boobs in the ladies toilets, because it will get awkward.

Having finally gotten myself onto Instagram last year with not a clue what to post, I jumped on board the Fox in Flats Style Dares.  There among the hashtags, I found this gorgeous community of beautiful women all supporting and encouraging one another each day, as we shared parts of our wardrobes and ultimately our lives.  I also developed a bit of a fan girl crush on Andrea, who I am getting increasingly nervous/excited about meeting/legitimately stalking, and may end up, nay will end up, making a dick of myself in front of, after downing too many Grey Goose cocktails.  A big part of me is hoping that she is just as big a goofball as me.  Doubts are high, though fingers are crossed.

I’m the girl, who with enough Dutch courage, will go up to anyone I might vaguely recognise from any time in my life – school, work, sport, weddings, google searches, and tell them how much I love them and that we should be very best friends.  I have confused many girls in the ladies loos over the years, and unintentionally led a few blokes on.

Anyway, for Foxy’s party I’m wearing this cute little dress playsuit I bought in Japan Bondi, and although the top is modestly covered up (except for the gaping slit in the back), it shows a shit load of leg down the bottom (you know, where my legs are).  My pins need to be looking their best for it to work, so I’ve bought in the big guns.  I need hair removal, extreme exfoliation, moisturising, tanning, blemish concealing and an almighty good glow.  For me, good legs don’t just magically happen, I need an arsenal of beauty shit.  And a personal trainer.

Fortunately, I have an arsenal of beauty shit and a personal trainer, so expectations are high for a positive result.  I also received some new Puretopia products to try, which conveniently assist in prepping my legs for hotness.  So let’s get to it…

Hair removal.  I’m a shaver.  I can’t do waxing.  I’ve tried, but I get nasty ingrowns and itchy legs and just can’t stand waiting for my hairs to grow long enough to get them ripped from my body.  I envy women who can do it, but that’s just not me.  Plus, I have no time for beauty appointments.  None.  So I shave.  If nothing else is available, I use soap, but it’s not ideal, so fortunately I have the lovely Puretopia Wake Up Invigorating and Moisturising Body Wash in my shower at the moment.  It’s great for use as a shaving product, because if you don’t try to foam it up too much, it gives a nice, thick gel finish to glide your razor through.  The inclusion of aloe vera and glycerin help it to gently care for your skin and soothe it, while you’re slicing a blade through the forest on your legs and ripping up a bit of delicate skin along the way.  With a subtle citrus scent, it smells like Sunlight soap and is beautiful for all over freshness and shit.  It’s not groundbreaking, but it’s lovely.  It’s a body wash for god’s sake, what more do you want from me?

Something that I will go on about though, and the hero of the Puretopia body range, is the Glowingly Smooth Exfoliating & Renewing Body Polish.  It’s a godsend for legs resembling a dried up river bed in a decade long drought.  Much like the Sukin body scrub, which I love, but even more scrubby, with the grainy bits set in a gel rather than a cream base.  It’s fantastic.  The warm spicy aroma is wonderfully comforting in the shower, but doesn’t linger on your skin so it won’t mess with your signature scent.  Your skin is left silky soft and oh so touchable.  I just love a body exfoliator that gets right in there and smooths away all your evil, and this does just that without the ground walnut shell dissolving like sugar and salt granules do.  I f*cking love walnut shell, I just want to kiss it and marry it.

On that note, be mindful that the ‘bits’ in your exfoliators aren’t little plastic microbeads, as those little bastards don’t dissolve (in a bad way), so they get into our waterways and royally stuff up the ecosystem.  So don’t bloody buy them.  You’ve been told.

The third product in this Puretopia body trio, is the Soft & Smooth Hydrating & Plumping Body Lotion.   With the same fresh Sunlight soap fragrance as the body wash, I would call this a cream, rather than a lotion, as it’s a bit thicker and more intensive.  (Please note that I really like the smell of Sunlight soap, it’s a positive thing).  The skin on my legs is like a discarded snake skin, with more cracks than a dry cricket pitch (the World Cup is on the telly as I’m writing this, and I just thought you’d like yet another descriptive visual of my very dry leg skin).  I need a super hard working product to keep the scales away.  Although not quite as good as a rich butter, this moisturiser is almost enough for my legs, especially on hot days when I just don’t want that extra weight on my body.  That’s the precious thing about me – I need the thick stuff, but I hate the heavy feeling, so this is actually a pretty happy medium.  Too much for my upper body during summer though, but it will come in handy once winter rolls around.

So all this prepping is getting my body ready for the next maintenance step and sexy bit, the bronzing.  As the saying goes, ‘You can’t polish a turd’, so putting fake tan and bronzers onto crusty neglected legs, is the same as trying to cover shitty skin with makeup – it’s just not going to work.  You need to spend some quality time on that base, or deal with the patchy consequences.  This level of maintenance used to be a weekly occurrence for me, but since it’s become a rarity, I feel like I’m getting myself set for my wedding or the Oscars, and although it’s a bit of work, I actually love the hell out of it.   In the next post I’ll tell you how I take my pins from pasty to JLo in three easy time consuming steps, and maybe a little gossip from the party.

During the course of writing this post I changed my outfit option from dress to playsuit, with the arduous task of choosing shoes to match.  Again, that is all very fun and exciting, but if all this maintenance becomes a dull bore, I’ll just throw it all in and wear pants.

Kind Beauty Points : Puretopia is cruelty free, natural and eco friendly.  You can buy the brand from Priceline through Shopnate, and help out your favourite charity.

I was lucky enough to receive these products as a gift, but all opinions are my own.  Loveface has an ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ policy, so if I don’t love it, you won’t see it here.

 I thoroughly recommend you follow @foxinflats on Instagram and join in for the next round of Style Dares.  You’ll be greeted by the most wonderful group of ladies and feel their love and genuine support each and everyday.  While you’re at it, you should follow me too @loveface_beauty.  I post some really stupid shit when I’m bored.